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2002-04-09 - 4:42 p.m.
Hi.
Yeah, I know, I should have written sooner.
But like I've said before, I hate writing. I don't know why I ever started this thing...oh yes I do. To bond better with Jenny I guess.
So what's new?
Well, it looks like my relationship with Jenny is winding down. Sadly. If I sound neutral about it, it's because I've already cried my eyes out over it. Now it just comes down to Jenny having the courage to finish it off. We're on the second round of "I don't think we should live together anymore. No, wait, maybe we should." My trust in the relationship is severely compromised. Third time around ends it though. I won't ride a rollercoaster.
I guess we should end it, if we're going to, while we still love each other, and care about one another. I'd hate for one of us to do something which would turn us into enemies.
It all comes down to personal growth. Jenny needs to learn to do things for herself. This is what she says, and I think it's probably true.
You've heard of those women who, after being married for 30 years, lose their husbands and end up not knowing how to fend for themselves. They don't know how to deal with car mechanics, balance their checkbook, or change a fuse. Jenny doesn't want to end up like that. There's more of a danger with me too, since I'm so much older than she is.
Jenny's justification, though, for reneging on the separation is that she won't make the effort to learn what she needs to learn even if she's not with me. So she'd rather be with me.
I can see her point. I've noticed that Jenny sometimes just won't take that extra step. That if it's difficult, she won't deal with the difficultness, and just gives up. I can't throw stones as far as that goes, but I wouldn't say I'm as bad as she is. You have to persevere sometimes.The most frustrating example is for her to go look for something and say she can't find it. Then I go look for it and find it immediately. We had our first fight over something like that, justified or not. Probably not.
Like making friends. Jenny finds it terribly difficult. It's because she's afraid of being vulnerable, I guess. Making friends is an act of faith. You have to put yourself out there, extend a shaking, shivering, hand of friendship...and hope the other person doesn't laugh at you. Or worse, bite your hand off.
I want Jenny to grow as a person. She's a wonderful person and deserves to be as full a human being as she can be. She deserves to feel strong, independent, and capable. She deserves to be fearless. She deserves a cadre of loyal, supportive friends. But that takes effort and risk. She can do it, but is my being there too much of a crutch? I'd like to think not, but it may be so.
I love her so much. I don't want our relationship to end. I want to continue living in our little "lambly fambly". But in the end, maybe it's not fair to either of us.
No matter what, I'm still gonna die fifteen years before she does. Barring crime, natural disaster, accident, or illness. Even if I stop smoking and lose a hundred pounds. And what about children? As much as she loves "our boys", imagine how much she'd love a little boy, and according to the latest information, she's got at best, ten more years to have a child. That's not much time to grow up and learn to be an independent person.
But I'm intensely grateful for the four years we've had together. They've mostly been wonderful, and I owe whatever success I've managed to eke out for myself these last four years to Jenny's influence. And I know that Jenny is the love of my life. No one has been as good to me, or for me as her. I just wish we'd met at the same time in our growth as people. I'll love her for the rest of my life, no matter how this turns out.
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So, how do you like them apples?