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2006-09-17 - 12:15 p.m.
"You'd have to be crazy to love me." I used to say that in cynical self-pity to describe my past romantic experience. Of course all too many men throw around the "crazy" label at women. Usually they're referring to women who disagree with them, or are making demands on them they are unwilling to bend to. It also describes the befuddlement men have about the disconnect between what men think is important, and what women think is important.
The "crazy" label can also describe a series of behaviors that we see in women who have very little self-esteem, or self-confidence. And women who have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as children. There are elements of depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome, alcoholism, eating disorders, drug, and self-abuse such as cutting, and sexual promiscuity in in a self-destructive way.
Of course all of these behaviors are common to both sexes in varying degrees. But I think men are probably more dismissive of women suffering from these problems than women are. Dismissive, but not above taking advantage to get what they want (sexually, usually).
I'm thinking of these things because of an experience I had last night. I went over to "The Club" to meet M and J after working for a few hours in the office. When I got there they were playing "The Beanbag Game", which is pretty much horseshoes with beanbags. And as I was sitting there watching, this women came out to smoke and we started talking. We teamed up for the next game, and played for a while until we'd lost three games and gave up.
She was a very unusual looking woman, at least outside of the 80s and not necessarily being a lesbian, in that she had pretty closely cropped hair. She was very slim and had a rather masculine face at a distance. Up close her features softened, and I could see some beauty there. Very nice eyes. For me, pretty much my ideal woman.
She was very loud, though, and aggressive verbally. At first I thought she was just young-ish and drunk. But as I talked to her further, the things she was saying were odd. She was very boastful, and skipping from topic to topic. At one point she asked me pointedly if I wanted to kiss her. Having lost much of my shyness these days, I immediately said "Yes!" And we proceed to kiss. That was nice. But as the conversation went on, more and more red flags kept popping up and soon it didn't look good.
Finally she announced that she would soon leave, and I offered to drive her home. My intentions at that point were ambivalent. I was pretty sure I didn't want to become involved with her because she seemed far too ... well, distraught implies sadness, but not in a good place. In retrospect it's pretty clear that she was manic. But my intention was to make sure she got where she was going safely, and if the opportunity to have a sexual encounter presented itself ... well, I'd probably taken her up on it. If it didn't get too weird. But that wasn't the goal. Nor am I sure I'd have done so. I have a tendency to bail where others might not. (D and the opportunity to lose my virginity in the same room with two of my close female friends at Devil's Lake comes to mind)
All in all the experience left me feeling very sad. Sad for this poor woman who really needed to be getting help. And she shouldn't have been out and about in her state in Evanston. She was really vulnerable, despite her loud braggadocio, and I would have liked to protect her enough to get her back to her home, which I suspect might be one of the many psychiatric half-way houses in Evanston, without harm.
And sad that I'm so desperate for affection, that I couldn't immediately respond to the red flags and detach myself from the situation.
I ended up feeling pretty bad about the whole deal. Sad for the woman, and feeling like I should have made sure she got home safely. I ended up finally being unable to bear her increasingly manic state. After a final offer of a ride, I just left.
"You'd have to be crazy to love me." I seem to attract, and be attracted to, emotionally wounded women. I think it comes down mostly "birds of a feather..." It's true that people that are emotionally troubled, I think, find each other. We see the other person's pain to some degree, or maybe it's a personality type that meshes. I don't know. Maybe women in that state are able to look beyond appearances, or maybe they're willing "to settle", or something like that. All I know is, I don't think I've ever been lovers with a woman who wasn't in some sort of emotional distress. And thinking that, makes me feel hopeless.
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So, how do you like them apples?