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2004-09-26 - 6:45 p.m.
Up and down, and all around.
Man, I thought things were going really well for me... and, I guess things could be worse. Or, worse than worse, the same as they used to be.
Okay, so the therapy is over. I'm taking my drugs like a good little patient. And I'm, on the whole, doing okay. But I have noticed that the good effects, especially of the Adderal (that's Amphetamine, speed, meth, crank, for the unititiated), is sort of waning.
So, I guess that's to be expected, right? Everyone knows that you build up a tolerance to amphetamines. That's what ruins tweakers' lives. But, it's sort of disappointing. Of course I liked the speedy feeling, or probably it wouldn't do me any good. And I'm sure not gonna try to increase dosage. One of my main reservations about even taking this stuff is the fear of addiction. But it makes me worry that the positive effects might go away.
I mean, I'm able to work now. Without forcing myself. I have focus. I have energy. I don't want that to go away.
What else is scary is this overwhelming sense of sadness I'm fighting today. Maybe it's just the music. I should have known better than to listen to music. Or maybe it was looking at the old photos I was scanning.
Hah! So what do I do? Avoid. Turn off the music and quit looking at the photos. Great plan.
Weird though. I wonder why this all came up now all of a sudden. Maybe I'm just lonely. Maybe it's the weather. Autumn always makes me melancholy.
But things are good, right? I haven't been drinking hardly at all. I had two beers last Sunday during the football game at my friend's house. Gah! The first one was good, I got buzzed from one beer. After the second one, though, I felt polluted. I told my friend Jim that "the beer is sucking all the life out of me".
I hate that tired feeling I get from alcohol. It just saps all my energy and I just want to go to sleep.
Ah well. I guess I'll just have to accept that I'm sad today.
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So, how do you like them apples?