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2006-10-19 - 7:22 a.m.
I wonder if the keeping of this diary, this journal, is worthwhile. Worth the while. For me, the words don't particularly flow (6:47 a.m.). It takes time for me to write these entries. Writing doesn't come easy to me. As for the worthiness, well, for what purpose do I continue to write?
They say writing things out helps you to organize your thoughts. And I've said here before that this diary serves as a catharsis to some degree. That I attempt to excise my pain here.
But I don't think of myself as a particularly introspective kind of person. And it's not as if I have some procedure, some direction, whereby I use this writing as a form of therapy.
And it's not as if I'm some great thinker putting down in words my wisdom to share with the world. No, certainly not that.
Isn't this more of a self-indulgence? Navel-gazing and narcissistic? That's troubling to me. I like to think that I'm not a self-centered kind of person. An inward-focused person. I hope that I'm not. I hope that I'm outwardly-centered, if you will. That I think of others, before myself. Or at least give others the same value as myself.
What is the value of this diary? Have I learned anything here? Or have I only spent my words on petulant rants? Or self-pitying whining? Or self-serving ego boosting? I'd like to think not, but I'm not so noble as to avoid those base uses. I'm not so different from the many denizens of the Internet who waste its resources on self-indulgent intellectual masturbation.
Again, have I learned anything here? What could I learn? Have I found answers to my many questions of the world? No. I don't think so. Have I come to terms with my life, my past, and my present? I don't know. Have I found a voice in writing, or better skill at expressing myself? Maybe.
Perhaps this journal is a microcosm of my life, in a way. I can see the anger, the pain, the humor, and some of the joy, in my writing here. But I can see the negativity too. The wasteful thoughts and emotions and energy spent here. Does this journal cleanse me of those things? Or does it encourage those things? (7:21 a.m.)
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So, how do you like them apples?