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2004-05-09 - 3:16 p.m.
Grief is sometimes so overwhelming that you wonder if you will live through it. Some don't.
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Every death of a loved one changes your life. It has emotional repercussions that echo through your being for the rest of your life. It can be profound. Those changes can be for the good, or they can destroy you.
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I've never felt such fear and anguish in my life. I think I'd rather die myself than feel that way again.
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They say that whenever a loved one dies, your sense of mortality is heightened. The grinning death's head is staring me in the face, and it fills me with terror.
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In James Herriot's All Creatures Great and Small I read the story of a poor old man being told that his only friend, Bob, the old dog would need to be put down because Bob was dying of cancer. His sad farewell to the suffering old dog, who even in it's pain thumped his tail on the floor at the touch of his master, had me sobbing. And I remember the sadness of losing Junior.
I think to myself, "When my time comes, I think I'll be grateful. I'm so tired of all the sadness in my life."
The loss of friends and family, and beloved pets is almost too much to bear. What's really fearful is the thought that in the next twenty years, more or less, that I have left, there'll be much more of this. How can I survive more grief in this life? How can I survive it alone.
I feel so profoundly alone with my grief. No family. Not seeing my friends.
How I wish I could be bathed again in that love and affection that Jenny gave me. A gentle touch here and there. A hug and a kiss. Compassion. A warm soul in the bed at night.
I lost that. But the person was there. I knew she was there. I could talk to her, write to her. And eventually, the grief over our lost love would have faded. But I'd have her friendship. Then even that was taken.
So to die won't be so bad. To drift off, or even have the door to consciousness slammed will at least bring peace. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more regret.
I yearn for solace. A balm for my broken heart, and the years of pain behind me and before me. A heart broken by betrayal and indifference, by loss and loneliness.
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So, how do you like them apples?