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2004-03-05 - 6:58 a.m.
It hasn�t gone away you know.
As I lay there in my bed, cozy. Following my routine.
Barely get to the bed and already Binny�s clamoring to get under the covers. With a couple of minutes of furious patty-caking on my stomach, my chest, my arm, he demands entrance to his cave of solace. He scoots under the covers to press himself against my right hip.
Then a few minutes later, after we�ve settled down. Noodle comes. His loud purr sputtering like a poorly tuned outboard motor. He circles, once, twice, and settles across my hips. And I can feel the vibrations of his purr as he sighs and lays his head down.
I�m in a sort of bliss. Every night. Warm, comfortable, with my two boys in close contact. My hands stray to them, petting them each in turn, muttering terms of endearment.
And I think of how Jenny loved them so. That these were the things that made her so happy. The unconditional affection Binny and Noodle gave her. Her. How I was tolerated for my feeding duties. But it was her they favored. How proud she was to have won them over. When we got them, she so feared that they would love me, not her. She was so wrong in that assumption.
As I lay there thinking of these things on a rainy night. Of course I have to think of Jenny. How much I miss her as I go shopping at places we frequented. Preparing a meal that she enjoyed. I think of how I go shopping for clothes, and I always feel a little lost. Unsure. Tie choices confound me, so I walk away.
In the dark there, my mind moves towards those awful thoughts. How Jenny must have felt. In my mind, I�m a helpless fly on the wall of that vestibule, watching in horror and rage as my girl�s life is choked out of her.
I try not to think about it. I try to veer away. I push it away. Because if I dwell on it, I don�t know what�ll happen.
I�m filled with sadness.
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So, how do you like them apples?