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2005-03-10 - 5:41 a.m.
I am filled with regret.
Nights, I lay in the dark thinking of the past, and of loves lost. Loved ones I should have loved better. That I should have shown more kindness to. Been more faithful to.
People like Pearl. One of the best women I've ever had the honor of knowing. I should have stood by her. But I bailed. And I've regretted it ever since.
She had the coolest job ever, a zoo keeper. She was funny, sexy, cool, kind. What more could you ask for in a lover? Or a friend?
Or my mom. I wish that I'd taken better care of her when she was sick. I wish I could have been more loving. I should have had more compassion. She didn't make it easy. But I wish I could have been above that. In the end, I failed her when she needed me most. You wouldn't believe the rush of sadness and guilt and pain that flows through me even writing this. It's almost more than I can bear.
Even my poor little cat Junior. Nearly twenty years together. I could have been more gentle with him. I could have cared for him better. And he loved me without reserve. Poor old guy.
So many regrets. More than I can write here. Some I will never mention in writing or out loud. But still, they're in my mind. Visions and thoughts that come to me before sleep as I star up into the dark. And I feel the sadness and remorse press me down into the bed, like God's hand.
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So, how do you like them apples?