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2005-12-28 - 7:00 a.m.
I don't know if it's SAD, the actual holidays themselves, the sense of utter financial failure, the upcoming murder trial, or the unrelenting straight headspace and having to confront myself so long without chemical blunting. But, boy, do I feel depressed. Even the Lexarpro isn't helping all that much. Well, of course it is, that month with no meds was pure agony. The constant back/leg pain doesn't help. God, I'm a mess.
I disappoint myself. And I guess that's the worst. I want so much to be something, a "good" person. I want to live up to my ideals. To be pure. To be innocent. And I don't mean that in a angelic, rainbows and unicorns kind of way. I mean to live up to the morality, and honesty, hell, just plain competence, that I believe in.
Little things, like having the decency to send fucking Christmas cards to my family and friends. Or paying my bills, and on time. Or doing a good job at work. Basic fucking normal shit that normal people do without thinking about it.
I think I've made progress if I manage to make sure my cats have their basic needs met, like food and water and a clean litter box. Or vacuuming the damn rug. Or taking a shower and shaving on the weekend.
A fucking squirrel is a better person than I am.
I swear, if I didn't feel obligated to my cats, I don't think I'd have any reason to go on with this stupid life. What a waste of breath I am.
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So, how do you like them apples?