�
2004-12-20 - 5:54 a.m.
So, I quit the crank.
It wasn't helping anymore, and it was stressing me out. I sure wasn't going to up the dosage either. (Just what I need, to get strung out on amphetamines!)
But what am I going to do? I mean, it was helping when it was helping. I was more productive at work (though I couldn't manage to get there on time to save my life). It killed any desire to drink alcohol. It made the day go by at work in a flash. But I always felt like I was racing against time.
Is that the only therapy for ADD? There's gotta be something else. And something that isn't based on speed.
I knew the speed route wasn't going to work. I just knew it. Shoo, I didn't even lose any weight.
I think it might be time to go back to the shrink. I feel miserable again. Why can't I change behavior? Is it so ingrained now that I have to just accept myself the way I am? Am I broken, and that's it?
That's what I feel like, you know: broken. Defective. Partially functional. Like a ten-speed bicycle with only four speeds. Like a four-cylinder engine with only three cylinders firing. Like a computer with a misconfigured sound card. Yeah, I can still limp along through life, but I'm not optimum.
And I talk to people who (seemingly) are fully functional. But I can see their flaws too. Either they're not aware of them, they're in denial, or maybe they're not willing to be vulnerable enough to talk about their own fears.
Or maybe everyone is this way. Maybe everyone is fighting a battle inside, with themselves. Except maybe the really stupid, unaware people. It could be that some people's damage is such that it makes them blind to their own problems.
Oh yeah, I'm introspective. I have insight. Big deal. It doesn't help. I still can't change my self-defeating behavior. I can't seem to change the way I think.
When I was seeing the shrink, I kept asking for concrete things to do to change the behaviors and thinking that get me into trouble. I think I came away with one. (Of course, if I followed that ONE, I'd probably have at least one less anxiety following me around every day.)
I should be put in a Skinner box. Or have one of those dog collars and be shocked every time I behave in what I believe to be a negative manner.
Yikes! What a scary thought.
***************
�
So, how do you like them apples?