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2003-08-20 - 3:49 p.m.
Jenny would have been 27 today.
Her Mom & Dad said that they'd try to go to the cemetery for the first time since the funeral. I sent a dozen roses to her mother and asked her to take them to the cemetary for Jenny.
I was going to get her a real nice gift for her birthday. I forget what it was, but I remember I couldn't wait to give it to her. I knew she'd like it. I guess I blocked it out.
I miss her so much.
I had a whole worried discussion with my shrink about whether I was trying to distract myself from my grief by bringing up other issues. He says I'm doing fine, considering. Sometimes I feel guilty like I'm not crying enough, or I don't feel sad enough. He says it's the anti-depressants. They tamp down emotions. But I'm not some emotionless drone, I still do cry. Mostly if I have to spend a long time with other people, like when I went camping.
It still doesn't feel real a lot of the time. I look at her picture and I can't imagine that she's dead. Dead at 26. Gone.
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I bought them two a cat tree to play in. It's huge, it's as tall as I am. Too big for a studio apartment, oh well. I figure the poor guys can't run around much since my apartment is the size of a hotel room, so they can climb like the little monkeys they are. They kinda like it, I guess.
They're nice. Not as friendly as Kozmo though. But nice. Boy, it sure is different with Binny & Noodle, and Kozmo. What gentle cats. Polite cats. Not like Junior. Junior had a bad temper. But very loving when he was relaxed. He was just like me.
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My Dad has to have open-heart surgery. He said they gave him two weeks to live. ?! That was a week ago. He seems very nonchalant about it. Gave me a scare. Crap, I hope he doesn't die. Then I'd really be alone in the world.
No Mom, no Dad, no sibs, no wife or kids. Distant relations. Fuck. I'll be one of those creepy old bachelor dudes like in my building. Wait, I AM one of those creepy old bachelor dudes in my building.
*sigh*
Fuckin' world...
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So, how do you like them apples?